Don’t Throw Oil on the Fire (you’ll burn the pancakes)

There's a lot of talk about smoke this summer. Not the ‘We’re having friends over for a barbecue’ or the ‘Let’s sing Kumbaya around the campfire’ variety. Nope, this is a different kind of smoke — partly made up of grumbling politics, but mostly of trees. Boreal Forest trees, Eastern and Western Canada trees. Trees (that usually bring us breathable air, dependable rain, mitigate flooding, erosion and contribute to the national economy) going up in smoke as forest fires rage across the continent.  

In the 1950’s, scientists started warning governments about the dangerous climatic impacts increased CO2 emissions would have on global warming. CO2 emissions that were primarily caused by human activities. You know, like burning more and more coal, oil, and gas. By 1965 U.S. president, Lyndon B. Johnson, was given a report from his Science Advisory Committee that clearly named fossil fuel burning as the leading cause of disturbance in the planet’s elevating temperature ranges. Higher temperatures that dry out forests and make trees more susceptible to going up in smoke.

Around the same time as the first warnings about fossil fuel burning was emerging, Canadian Bechtel Ltd. completed the 1,150-kilometre original TransMountain Pipeline and began sending crude oil from Strathcona County in Alberta to a tank farm located near Burnaby Mountain in British Columbia. In1957 the Westridge Marine Terminal was opened to connect ocean tankers to the storage facility. Then in 2018, the government of Canada purchased Transmountain from owner, Kinder Morgan, for the sum of 4.5 billion dollars and began work on the Transmountain Expansion Project (TMX) that ultimately cost taxpayers around 33.4 billion dollars before dilbit (diluted bitumen from Alberta’s tar sands) started flowing in May of 2024.   

So that little historical look-back takes us to 2026, when government tells us we need another fossil fuel pipeline to British Columbia’s coastline. And we are told that it’s needed badly enough that British Columbians and all Canadians ought to be willing to sacrifice the Fraser River estuary to allow for a Robert’s Bank port expansion. After all, so much increased dilbit flowing through new pipes will need some supertankers to ship it across the Pacific. Risks to salmon, orcas, migrating bird species? Did I mention sacrifice?

While the trees continue to go up in smoke and our government contemplates ways to increase fossil-fueled global temperature hikes, my guest writer, Rachelle Stein-Wotten, wants you to know she isn’t against pipelines per se. She’s got some good ideas about pipelines, especaily if you’re a fan of pancake breakfasts, and who doesn’t like breakfast?




Pipelines I Would Be in Favour Of (instead of another oil pipeline)
by Rachelle Stein-Wotten

Thanks to the vastness of our country, Canada needs extensive transport systems to get the many resources and products we make and need up, down, and across it. But with the outsized attention the construction of another oil pipeline (didn’t we just finish making one bigger?) has been receiving in political and media spheres, a lot of promising opportunities to diversify pipelines are not getting due consideration. So rather than participating in the folly of ripping another tube across B.C. filled with toxins to be burned elsewhere, toxins that will only flutter back to choke us in a worldwide circle of self-inflicted damage, here are five alternative pipeline proposals Canada could invest in:

I. Water
It’s the most precious resource on earth. Luckily, Canada supposedly is among countries with the most available sources of water in the world. Except for those places that don’t have it: Compounded years of drought are harming crops and livestock in Alberta; nearly three-quarters of the country was in drought conditions at the end of July 2025 and 2026 isn’t looking any better.  Then there are those locations that have too much water: One recent October, a teacher died in Coquitlam when her home was swept away in a mudslide triggered by an atmospheric river. Toronto was hit with $940 million in insured damages when over a month’s worth of rain landed on a single July day in 2024.

As brilliant scientists have said, “water is not always in the right place at the right time.” But what if that’s because it’s not in a big pipe? With a big water pipe and various connected small water pipes, we could collect water where we have too much of it, and transport it to where we don’t have enough. We already move water around in pipes for small distances for drinking water and for fun times – after all, what is a waterslide, but a low-flow pipeline?

II. Maple Syrup​
Maple sap has nourished people on these lands for eons and we owe a great debt to whomever was the first person to give it a lick. Whether the syrup is golden, amber, dark, or very dark, this stuff is brown gold and we should be shipping it everywhere we can. For one, you can put it on anything (what else can go on ice cream and in stir fry)? Maple syrup also comes from a plant of the non-fossilized variety, so there’s no need to concern oneself with pollution. If there happens to be a major maple spill from this pipeline — the easy remedy? Sop it up with stacks of pancakes which will have the spinoff benefits of uniting the entire country through the joy of pancake breakfasts while also smashing a Guinness World Record of biggest griddle order.

III. Beans​
Canada grows 12 varieties of beans on scale across four provinces, but for some reason it’s incredibly difficult to locate a can of pinto or navy beans in many parts of this country. At the same time, about one in three adults in Canada have high cholesterol. This is a no-brainer. It’s high time we shot kidney, adzuki, and cranberry beans through a nationwide pneumatic tube to give more people access to a food that reduces the risk of heart disease.

IV. Medical Supplies
How many annual fundraising campaigns are there to purchase new medical supplies and equipment for our hospitals? Every region has a foundation working tirelessly to equip our facilities with up-to-date screening and diagnostic tools. Infrastructure in rural and remote communities is particularly lacking, which forces sick people to travel long distances to access care. 

Rather than fundraisers valiantly attempting to choose which piece of equipment to purchase each year, communities could cost-share high-ticket items and spread it around. Make the equipment go to the sick people by shipping it in a pipeline. Load that thing up with ventilators, endoscopic cameras, stretchers, and CT scanners.  Perhaps you are thinking, how would any of this move through a pipeline – are we going to grease it with butter? Well, we need that butter to make cookies and croissants, so no. We can instead modify the pipeline with those people mover things that are in airports. If people can stand on those without moving and get to their gates on time, we can get a digital X-ray machine to the South Okanagan and save a few lives on schedule.

V. Rollercoaster
A significant stretch of Canada’s roadways are in poor condition. Traffic only seems to be getting worse, too. But what’s the alternative? Air travel is so expensive now and high-speed passenger rail is taking a long time to get underway. People still have places to be, but luckily we have the technology to make commuting fast and thrilling. 

Enter the Trans Canada Rollercoaster. This a true nation-building project, one that will unite us in a shared spirit of carnival chaos. How many fights do you see breaking out at carnivals? Basically none because everyone is too dizzy from the rollercoaster rides to throw a punch. Our National Rollercoaster would be a world class first! Canada needs to diversify its economy. Lots of places have oil, but we could be the first to have a rollercoaster highway that would attract tourism and could also transport our amazing goods from coast to coast to coast. Plus, all those seasonal ’coaster operators would have full-time, permanent work – now that’s real job creation.

In Conclusion:  Better pipelines equal better productivity. 

Canada’s productivity has been weak for 25 years and that affects both GDP and wages. Productivity can improve in part by boosting competition in various sectors of our economy. Ergo, to enhance productivity, we need to transform the productivity pipeline by growing competition in this country, ergo by building multiple pipelines, ergo we need to build above pipelines one through five. Boom. Productivity!

So, Canada, let’s together grasp the safety bars of our newest thrill ride public transit system as we scream forward through 2026 and beyond. As we vomit up maple syrup, let us collectively shower down before walking into our no-waitlist-needed unlimited CT scan appointments followed by nourishing burrito dinners thankfully washed down with plentiful glasses of water.​
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Rachelle Stein-Wotten 

Rachelle's writing has appeared in, among others, The Temz Review, Counterflow, JÓN Magazine, and The Belladonna. Her comedy sketches have been performed in Vancouver and Seattle. She writes and eats mostly vegetables from her home on Vancouver Island.